It will be exciting and passionate. You will feel completely understood and seen, probably you will get to enjoy the best treatment in your entire life. During the initial stages of the relationship the narcissist will worship you, putting the world at your feet.
They will call and text you frequently, sharing openly how much they admire you, how smitten they are by you, how indispensable and unique you are to them. They will flatter you and want to be around you at all times. And when they are sure that you have successfully fallen under their spell, hell will break lose. For you. You will feel terrible without being able to quite explain why, you will feel guilty, wrong, selfish and what not.
And you will fight for more of the old tasty praise and care they used to give you. You will find yourself apologizing for what you have done and what you are. You will be obsessed with the memory of how great things used to be between you and you will be ready to do almost anything to get back there. Devaluation After Worship. After the idealization phase is over — which usually happens abruptly, without any signs — you will be thrust off your pedestal.
The narcissist will unexpectedly and inexplicably become cold and distant. It is then that they will start criticizing you. They will compare you to other people — always to your disadvantage. When you try to talk to them they will give you the silent treatment and make sure you know how gravely disappointed they are with you. In the heat of a moment, narcissists can come across incredibly cruel. They say things that many people would really struggle to say to someone they supposedly love.
Greenberg said this is because of something called "object constancy. You're still the person who's my dear friend, and it's in context. If you don't have object constancy, there is no context. In other words, the when the narcissist is shouting at you for whatever they think you did, there are no memories of the good times in their head. They are totally living in the single moment of being furious with you.
In that moment, they truly hate you. You have hurt me, I must hurt you back. Relationships are hard, even if you are with a non-narcissist. All couples have rows and have to navigate the various difficulties of living with another person. But those everyday spats become all the more serious and devastating to a relationship when the person you have them with always sees themselves as the victim. This makes even the tiniest disagreements escalate into full-blown rows, which can be incredibly exhausting for the narcissist's partner.
Sometimes, the narcissist doesn't mean to hurt you. Being sensitive to everything is just how their brains work. And if they are — by their own logic — being attacked, they will bite back even harder. However, by their nature, they may also want to hurt you too, because it makes them feel superior.
In some ways, it isn't worth working out what their intentions are because the results are the same. People in relationships with narcissists find themselves wrapped up in the same arguments time and time again. This is often followed by the punishment which could be an explosive confrontation, or cold silent treatment, depending on the type of narcissist they are with. There is no question about this. Or, if you have no choice but to interact with this narcissist for some reason, you can choose the Gray Rock Method , which is also an effective means of keeping emotional distance between the two of you.
If you hold on to some desire to break a narcissist down and see them suffer, that is valuable energy that you are focusing on to someone else. You are taking your energy, tainting it with negativity, and sending it out into the world. If you do this, chances are it will bring negative consequences back toward you. Healing from narcissistic abuse requires work, effort, and support.
The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury. It can be really difficult to break away from a narcissist and see them walk off without really feeling any great pain.
But there is some crumb of comfort to be found in this nonetheless: while they walk away as the same twisted, unhappy person, you, by escaping from their torment, are on the road to a better life. It is unlikely that a narcissist will ever be able to heal their own hurts and grow beyond the ego-driven person they have become. But your hurts are not beyond healing.
That, ultimately, is the best way to hurt a narcissist — by removing all traces of their abuse from you, by being the kind of person they simply cannot be.
Check out this online course designed to help someone heal from narcissistic abuse. This page contains affiliate links. I receive a small commission if you choose to purchase anything after clicking on them.
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